Wrong Reason Why We Get Married
Couples tie the knot for many different reasons, but sometimes what they think is sound judgment is really just a giant mistake. If you’re having cold feet—or watching a friend make a giant mistake—know that there are good reasons to cancel a wedding and some very bad reasons for getting married.
Most of these horrible reasons to get married will probably seem obvious and maybe even a little ridiculous. But for a lot of us, it’s really hard to take an objective look at our own motive and see them for what they really are.
Sometimes, your real intentions are hidden a few layers deep and you just need someone to lovingly shake them to the surface for you.
1. Dream Wedding.
There’s also a lot of hype around weddings that can make you really want one, even if you’re not ready, or your sweetheart isn’t marriage material. From the hyperbolic rhetoric of “the best day of your life” to shiny pictures in magazines, it’s easy to be swept away by the fantasy of a wedding day.
This can go to such an extreme that you might even find women who collect pictures of their dream wedding dress, cake, and venue. The problem is that they might not have a groom or even be dating anyone. If the planning is already in that stage, imagine the pressure on those future boyfriends!
The truth is that your wedding is just one day and marriage is for the rest of your life. You can still have that dream wedding when you are truly ready for it.
2. The Fear Of Being Alone.
Being alone can really suck.
What sucks even more, though, is marrying the next person who comes along simply because you’re tired of being alone—and then they turn out to be terrible for you.
You’ve probably heard this before but no one is going to be happy being with you if you can’t be happy being by yourself. I’m betting nobody ever told you how to go about doing that though. After all, it seems like a catch-22: you need to be happy by yourself before you can make someone else happy, but you’re not happy because you don’t have someone to make you happy.
The problem is the way you’re judging and valuing yourself. You’re valuing others’ opinions of you more than you’re valuing your own opinion of yourself. You think your value as a person is determined by who you’re with. Just think about how fucked up that is for a second.
Develop yourself into who you want to be first. Get healthy. Get serious about your career. Get your finances in order. Then get someone who is excited to be with you because you kick so much ass already.
This might be the most common reason people have a wedding before they’re ready. There’s intense pressure in a marriage proposal and it’s not easy to say, “I love you but I’m not ready yet.”
Even worse is when your partner issues an ultimatum: “Either we get married, or we break up.” Though sometimes a person needs a strong nudge to get them over their fears, it can lead to ignoring your gut instincts and having to cancel the wedding later on
If you really love someone, you owe it to them to be honest. It’s hard and painful, but it’s a lot easier than living a lie or having to say that you never wanted to get married
4. All Your Friends Are Getting Married.
5. Your Ex Is Engaged.
9. Guilt From Parent.
Parents can be pretty good at sending their kids on all-expenses-paid guilt trips. You might have heard a speech that begins, “I just want to see you get married before I die. Is that too much to ask?” Or perhaps you’ve heard, “I’m the only one of my friends without grandchildren. When are you going to settle down, marry, and have kids?” Even the simple question of, “When are you getting married?” can become a guilt trip if asked enough times in the right way.
Regardless of what form it takes, guilt is a terrible reason to get married. You need to live your life and do the best thing for you. Besides, if you give in to this kind of parent, they’ll only find new subjects for future guilt trips.
10. To Prove A Point.
Maybe your crazy aunt keeps telling you about how “the clock is ticking” and you’re not getting any younger. Or your father thinks you need to “grow up already.” Or maybe your parents got divorced and you’re determined to show the world that you’re better than them. Or all your friends are married now and you want to show them you’re not just the third or fifth or eleventh wheel all the time.
“Attraction and chemistry are easily mistaken for love, but they are far from the same thing,” Warren continues, “Being attracted to someone is immediate and largely subconscious. Staying deeply in love with someone happens gradually and requires conscious decisions, made over and over again, for a lifetime. Too many people choose to get married based on attraction and don’t consider, or have enough perspective to recognize, whether their love can endure.”
He believes that when two people have a relationship built on upon broad-based compatibility, the likelihood of long-term relationship success is much, much greater.
“If we could ever reduce the incidence of marital breakup from 40 to 50 percent of all marriages to single digits,” he concludes, “I suspect it would be one of the greatest accomplishments of our time.”